1.08.2012

Unraveling Continues Apace

Thoughts are good for when
Oh, no they're not. But they are frequently thought.

Thoughts get thought, regardless of their condiments.

Okay. Vandalism is dorkdom.

Be that as it may, I know some spot-on, terrific people that have committed vandalism. Also, I have also seen some EXTRAORDINARY vandalism and, while I feel that the means is the end (mooting justifications), I am cool with being happy to see it when it's inspired and/or inspiring. I just don't want to mess with other peoples' property. I veer determinedly in deference to the priority problems of others. If people screwy enough to claim exclusive, enforceable, piously sanctioned ownership over anything external, then they've got bigger fish to fry than I can fathom. I'll take the stairs.


So, I thought of this great, nearly effortless, act of vandalism that can be committed with relative ease. All that it involves is the imposition of an umlaut.Two diacritical dots; minutes, at least, of mild amusement.

Find a United Parcel Service noun (truck, office, what have you), and umlaut (it's a verb now) the vowel on it.

ÜPS.

That's not necessary. The umlaut I mean. But it IS.

Alright. Part two of 21 questions. (It's actually them in their entirety, so there's repetition, but I digress.) It's very cold, and I have no money. Seven dollars, which is more letters than it is dollars.

Here it is: the unfettered sequence of 21 questions without the obnoxious code error things.


Do you think that Benb Gallaher would ever do community service voluntarily?
Y
I guess that I would, but it’d have to be unstructured, like when I go out with Desmond to pick up litter. Passersby look at us as if we’re atoning for an undisclosed (unspeakable?) deed or spree. I guess that we are, kinda, but I just dig picking up trash. It’s not a fetish or anything, in case you’re a pervert who’d think that. But why do they have signs that say “Put Litter in Its Place”? The only place for littler is, by nature, an inappopriate place for refuse. So, the public is merely following the sign’s orders. The signs should change to “Put Trash into Trash Containers”, but no one actually cares because nothing actually matters.

Do you think Benb Gallaher prefers Coke to Pepsi?
N

What an awful question to countenance. The short answer is “NO,” because I find them both disgusting. If you ever want a real soda, try the Cream Soda from Squamscot Beverage Co. (http://www.nhsoda.com)
0o you think Benb Gallaher is good with kids?
Y

Our children like their mother much better than me, but \who wouldn’t? She’s absolutely wondeirful.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is dumber than Jessica Simpson?
N

Y’all are some kinda mean-spirited for asking a question like that. Even though it’s been suggested that I’m intelligent, I am treated on a near-daily basis like a hapless and bumbling fuckup. I don’t enjoy it.

Do you think Benb Gallaher shops 'til they drop?
Y

‘Til I drop what? My belongings? My purchases? My self? The act?
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is greedy?
N
I’m not. It’s true.
Does Benb Gallaher have a nice smile?
Y

I am smiling RIGHT NOW for whomever suggested that.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher can eat more than 3 Big Macs at a time?
Y

Several years ago, I could have done so very easily. I have an unidentified friend that would only eat ice when we were teenagers because it was low in calories. I decided, one day when I was 17 or so, to count a day’s caloric intake. You know, just for kicks. The total?
8.000.
Have you ever missed seeing Benb Gallaher?
Y

I’ve certainly missed seeing and being seen. People tend not to realize how resident they are in my heart.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is tone deaf?
N

What if I was or were?
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is a poser?
N

Most of life is posing; just reflect for a moment on how often you’re obliged to care about things that are utterly unimportant to you. The boundary between what something what something means and what that thing actually is, is nebulous on a good day.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever failed a class?
N

I have failed several classes. Some of them I’ve failed more than once.
Is Benb Gallaher fun to be around?
Y

That’s outdated information.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever smoked?
Y

Yes. And I would if
Would you blow a kiss to Benb Gallaher for fun?
Y

This person clearly likes to have fun, and I think that that’s just great.
Do you want to give Benb Gallaher a high-five?!
Y

I tend not to suffer high-fiving. It’s unnatural. My lack of depth perception leads to its being a rather protracted slapstick routine.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever fantasized about you?
N

That’s good, because I am sure that I've not ever done so. Anybody that isn’t Molly is as attractive as, say, a stapler.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher voted for Obama?
Y

I did—joyfully, but I expect that I won’t.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher would turn you in to the FBI if they asked?
N

I would not want to make their lives any easier. Those people are so sure that they know things about things that I feel sick to my stomach almost as much as I feel embarrassed for them.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is cute?
Y

I think that one of my parents answered this. And it wasn't even my mom!
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is funny?
Y

Looking.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher would ditch a date?
N

That’s true, especially that I only date Molly F. But even before, I didn’t get my license until I was 19, so I would’ve had to walk home. I was never really a “dater,” though. Especially given that “dating” has become a euphemism for sexual intercourse. The perceived need to sexualize friendships is offensive to me; I see promiscuity as being tantamount to consumerism.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is a good friend?
Y

I’ve missed many of my friends so deeply, and for so long, that I don’t even know what. And I remember tedious details—like the ID on Sam Zebovitz’s license plate (VBF 920), or Colleen Flanagan’s phone number from 2002 (860.729.7221), or Andy Fisher’s grandmother’s birthday (November 17), to name just a smattering—that do little to abet the process of staying in touch. Sorry, everybody—I thought that it would be different.
Would Benb Gallaher ever dress up in a mascot outfit and run around?
Y
That really depends upon the cause and the costume. Additionally, I was unable to run for about seven years due to hemiparesis from MS.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is a good friend?
Y

Then come on over! Shit!
Have you ever fantasized about Benb Gallaher?
N

Well, that’s good, because I’ve never fantasized about being the subject of a fantasy.
Would Benb Gallaher ever hit a girl?
N

Never. I am inflexible about the respect and equality to which all people are entitled in every relationship.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever smoked?
Y

I have, but many people that I meet seem not to believe that. I think that it’s because I wear neckties so often
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever played beer pong?
Y

Actually, I have not. What is it?
Do you think that Benb Gallaher could key a car for revenge?
N

Yeah, no. Strictly within the purview of “the weiner people.” Entitled moronity, straight up.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever punched someone?
Y
Not since being led to believe that it was the only way to function as a male specimen. So, not since my age was a single digit. And I’m clumsy and cataplectic, so I don’t really know how to inflict violence.
Do you think Benb Gallaher is cool?
Y

People are free to make their own determinations.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever stolen from work?
N

I am going to say nothing except this sentence about that.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher thinks wine in a box is classy?
N

For which class?
Geometry—Yes! (It’s cubic.)
Shop—Most assuredly not.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher still wet their bed in 6th grade?
N

My bedroom was the one closest to the bathroom in my house. And I had a window out of which I could pee if ever an emergency were to occur. (I didn’t mind peeing out of windows—in fact, back in 8th grade, I peed out of the window in my 6th-period Math class. Mrs. Botker would not let me go to the bathroom, quipping at my pleas, “No, you can’t go to the bathroom. But you can fix those drapes over there.” She gestured flippantly toward the window. Our class was on the third floor [Room 302?] of West FrederickMiddle School, and we had these dauntingly massive windows. I had to climb up on some shelving to adjust the drapes. Once I got up there, on my knees with the window open, I really had no alternative but to do what I did. This deed was not a cause célèbre until later on. Having to pee is a state of being whose “airtime” is not commensurate with its relative ubiquity. I had better bladder control then than I do now.) So, no.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is cute?
Y

Well, I think that YOU’RE cute, screen.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is socially awkward?
N

That’s all well and good, but I swear.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher can cook?
Y

I love to feed my people, but cooking is an entirely different story. So, the official answer: Not really, and not well. Too critical of self. I am in therapy.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is an underachiever?
N

This is a loaded question.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is religious?
N

This is correct, although that question is inspiring me tp recall that I had a dream last night featuring Desmond Tutu.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher likes blue eyes?
Y

Not especially, actually.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever failed a test?
N

Most tests that I’ve taken in recent years have garnered scores that would’ve disgraced me in the past.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher would bail you out of jail?
Y

Of course I would! Do you know where I can find a job?
Does Benb Gallaher have a nice body?
Y

Yes, yes. I spend my time watching it age, expanding and contracting with the seasons like a doorframe.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is a good kisser?
Y

Certainly, a good kisser named Benb was not to be found in the 7th grade after-school bus queue. After severai minutes of calling for him, we dertemined that he did not exist. Still, the crowd at least 60 people formed around me and Bridget Moore (my 5th grade love; we broke up then because I depressed. I was medicated inappropriately for it [i.e., max adult dosage of the powerful trcyclic Imipramine], but that was because our crooked family physician was receiving incentives from the drug company. Never mind that I would suffer projectile vomiting if ever I missed a dose, or that I can't really remember three years of my life. I'm pretty sure that they were dismal, anyhow).
I always promised myself that if I had any chance to regain her favor, I would never falter). The kiss was strange, and it sucked, but people were screaming and applauding up in our faces. I was so freaked out that I had to break up our relationship. She’s an excellent person, and I’m very grateful to know her. We’re still incredibly close friends.
She’s Desmond’s godmother (should that be capitalized?).
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is a tree hugger?
Y

I’ve hugged many—some out of utilty, some out of sympathy (not only are they stuck to the ground, but they are subject to the vagaries of both the elements AND other species), and some as a proclamation about everything.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher still sleeps with a teddy bear?
Y

Ha. I sleep alone, because I’m impossible.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is smarter than George W. Bush?
Y

Everybody is as smart as everybody else. It’s the fucking truth. Sometimes it can be more obvious, and sometimes it can be less obvious.
Does Benb Gallaher dress poorly?
N

I’m wearing clothes that were outgrown by a dear friend’s teenage son in 2004.
Would you trust Benb Gallaher with your life?
Y

I don’t know that I trust me with my own life, but I certainly advocate living for everyone.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher would look good in a mini-skirt?
Y

I like the way that this answerer thinks. I love to wear clothing that diverges from the monochromatic monstrosity that is men’s attire in this culture. These big, capable men are afraid of color, or of anything that creates a sense of humor or warmth about what they project. I will concede that mini-skirts are seldom warm, but someone among you must understand what I’m trying to say here.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has ever stolen money from their friends?
N

True. Where’s the fun in that?
Do you think that Benb Gallaher puts 'hoes' before 'bros'?
N

It is an illusion that they’re necessarily different. (I bet that one'll rankle some relatives.)
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is cute?
N

Mean either.
Would you want to see Benb Gallaher dance like Michael Jackson for money?
Y

It wouldn’t be a thrill, because I tend not to trust my movements (though I think that that is on the verge of changing because I care a lot less, or at least no longer have the energy to care). What kind of money are we talking about here? Sone people would pay out the wazoo to see an intermittent cripple shake a tail feather.
Do you think Benb Gallaher has ever pulled an all-nighter?
Y

Yes. For much better and for far worse.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher would do anything to succeed?
Y

Whomever wrote this obviously does not think highly of me, and that is their prerogative. I have no choice but to respect their answer, even if it's far from true.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher has a funny looking nose?
N

Opinions. Distilled. I think that this one, too, might be a parental answer.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is tone deaf?
N

Man, it’s those tones that are deaf! How many times do
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is an underachiever?
N

If I knew the first thing about achievement, I likely would’ve done it by now.
Do you think Benb Gallaher drives too fast?
N

Everybody defines things differently. Would you think that I drove too fast if you knew that I was blind in one eye AND had Narcolepsy?
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is socially awkward?
N

You have no idea of how much I could swear that I am in an eternal underwear dream.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher is hot?
Y

To the touch, definitely. My internal temperature is conspicuously low—95 or 96 degrees Fahrenheit—and I am famously exothermic. I sleep alone because of this.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher would ever betray you?
N

Dear Friend, I do hope that you don’t see my having posted this anonymously attributed question/answer as constituting a betrayal of any kind, because it’s not intended thus. Besides, I don’t think that you can change your answer, Sucka.
Do you think that Benb Gallaher grinds their teeth while sleeping?
N

I am an incorrigible bruxist. Dentists hate me, but that’s okay. It’s generally mutual.


1 comment:

  1. heeheehhiiilllaaaaarrrrriiiioooouuuuussss!!!

    ReplyDelete