here, i am reprising an earlier post, because all sorts of flowerpots&safes&anvils are descend from the heavens unlike clockwork, but often enough. And besides, we're nearing the actual, old-school (pre-1752) New Year and  am nothing if not a lifelong "april fool" (that term, by the way, originated as a lame-ass swipe at those that chose to continue observing the year's change with the approximate arrival of spring); as such, a New Year post is apter than otherwise.

12/28/2010, 8:10 PM

O, everybody. It's been forever, and I would apologize but I've been subsumed by factors.

This keyboard is kinda busted, so you may see the odd juxtaposition of "b" with "n"; I have yet to stumble upon a way to make that entertaining (less-than-successful examples: narbes & bonle, the neatles, barbia, narack onama, get thee to a bubbery), so I try to catch it. Apologies in advance for any confusion created.

So much of this whole adulthood rigmarole is turbid with limitations. There is a painful plenitude of factors, all of which receive attention from me that is overwhelmingly undeserved and rancid with the residue of other factors.What's more is that factors seem expertly calibrated in ways that I defy others to understand (any attempts to do so are justly resented). There's some part of this human's mind that thinks (before the grisly collision of impulses and factors):

I can eat crappy food!
[and... develop all kinds of nasty-ass health problems that make people not wanna sit near me.]
I can drink booze!
[and... go broke and be hungover and grow progressively stupider, utterly oblivious to my decay.]
I can have SEX whenever I want!
[and... not really. No, seriously.]

En toto, being an adult is remarkably similar to being less of an adultonly now, evidently, I'm responsible for providing the effing structure. Which would be fine if people that mean something to me (my own self very much included) didn't have to live in that suspect structure.

And the people that always made day-to-day life capitally unpleasant (COPS, for instance, in the Boss-Hog bastion of family-value putrescence where I spent most of my childhood) are now your contemporaries! Are you joking? I got scolded by a police officer (not for anything seeeeerious) a couple of years ago, and he was visibly younger than me; I wanted to tell on him. Or say, "Get back to class."

I should be plotting resolutions right now, but it's kind of a woeful condition, having to choose which promise(s) you'll definitely, definitely break. Better to be flip about it, I suggest, but with an understanding of the tragicomical plight that is self-improvement in the face of inexorable finitude.

An example here would be helpful, and I'll give you one. It's more hypothetical than anything, and is certainly not a "finalist" for me (I say "finalist" as a picture of Susan Boyle looks at me from the sidebar of this very page. A good resolution might be to be grateful that Britain's Got Talent. But that won't work.) For now, and this is all subject to change:

In 2011, I resolve to successfully run away from my own bottom.


  1. "the Boss-Hog bastion of family-value putrescence where I spent most of my childhood"

    that is a fabulous description of our shared hometown.

  2. Love it, Benb. I am just at the beginning of realizing that people of (questionable) authority are my age or younger in many places, and you perfectly captured the discomfort and sheer weirdness of that realization in this post. Keep writing, my friend! Please. :)

  3. I see the year as beginning when I finally learn how to write the correct date on my checks and paperwork.

  4. P.S. "Get thee to a bubbery" took me a minute. But then I had a pretty long delayed-giggle-fest. I think that attempt at humor was a success.

  5. yes please ! why, benb , i didn't know you blogged ... this is fantasmagorical ~ your delight in words is far too obvious for me not to feel properly delighted by pretty much anything you might write :) ps Happy New Year ! see you all soon ~ i agree, your family is beyond pretty much the best beings in Brunswick