More of Them

oh my gosh i'm working i'm working 
it feels so good to finally be able to procrastinate in a merited manner
i'm joking but only as much as you'll find it amusing

Dig this: I'm doing pseudonymous writing for MTV as their Nerd Rock Correspondent. Thrilled am I. It's crazy. My name is 'Benjamin Daniels'; 'Daniel' is my middle name, and nobody saw fit to consider prior to application of said nom de plume that there just might be an erstwhile MTV personality named "Benjamin Daniels"and there is! Life, I am frequently assured, is full of coincidental matter.

(Which reminds me—isn't coincidence in the temporal sense of the beholder? On past occasions of smoking cigarettes outdoors, before returning indoors, I would ask my companions, "Shall we coincide?")

Okay. I'm also editing manuscripts for a start-up publishing company. Aaaaaaaaand I'm still doing the freelance (a modest craze), which sort-of ensures that I am unlikely to ever feel stable. I was refused for disability, and they've threatened to take away my Medicaid (the total annual cost of my medicines exceeds $100,000 USD) and food supplement. But I haven't even been paid! And my tax return, due on Friday, is due also to be eaten, most thoughtlessly, by the watersewerelectricphoneinternetmortgagecomputer entities (I refuse to see them as being people) just as soon as it arrives. I am told that solvency is overrated, but it's been years since I've accepted that as a valid opinion.

The rain fell today, onto the snow, creating a town-sized puddle in which every pedestrian (however momentary the stint of their schlepping) was submerged well past their ankles. I call it "Soup of the Day." And now it's going to be March, and I would love a bona fide reason to be cheerful. I shouldn't say that, because I LOVE my family, but I'm hard-pressed to pretend that this current situation's anything other than absolute crap.

But I have to put some more old poems on here. I still don't have most of them, on account of my computer being in the shop, but that matters less than a whole lot else.

I'll start with a love poem. It's from 1998. I had been stunned into aliveness. The title came 5 years later, on the heels of torment that had been unfathomable.

5 years in every direction

i love you and you love yourself in
beams of freckled fringency, with
waves of subtle stringency, with
flat, distinctive englishness, your
landscapes pocked with canvas bare in
summer seas of stars and blood, a
lilted, spacious leavening – these
fruits with roots in heaven bring what’s
told in its unfolding.

(The font just changed, but that's because I've got a recalcitrant touchscreen.)
This next poem is old as shit, which means (in this case) that it's from 1995, when I was seventeen. I don't even think that I was sad when I wrote it, but there you are, and here we go:

Mean Either

fearing not sleep but a missed opportunity
free of diseases but free of immunity
scared and ensnared by a spurious unity
pleading despair to a jury of ghosts

scattered in dollops the reasons for everything
baked underwater i wait for the phone to ring
time that elapsed when i thought myself practicing
rose-tinted glasses proposing a toast

Now another, just 'cause it's a just cause. This is a poem about Molly, whom I adore. This is also old, but not that old (2003). When I met Molly, everything became very exciting very fast. It remains so, and all of my irascibility, so evident in this post, dissipates when I imagine her sleeping and the sound of her voice.

capital letters

it was helpful for me to remind my
self when starting to write this that it
doesn’t have to be new because well
everything was always here in its way
(rusted-out and lethal fire escapes/droppings
on windowsills and awnings/stubblefaced
dirtyshirt laundrysoon me/sink full of
dishes rinsed and unwashed/dying pen and
dead lighter/words and words used and used
/sealed bottle of vitamins /eight o'clock twilight
/hours-old coffee to go/obscenely mild june
/cars parked over crushed containers/people 
attired in various oblivions/sneezes and the 
odd blessing/lilac and refuse and swears in 
the wind/fingernails bitten beyond the quick
/floors and unpacked-box tabletops)
but what no one would ever know to
look is that every moment that i am
alive is precious beyond prediction
and dizzy with its fullness of you

Thus refined (and in much-better mood), I'll attach a Deep Freeze Mice song onto this post. It's the opening track of their 4th record, The Gates of Lunch
"Red Light for the Greens"

1 comment:

  1. Many, many congratulations on the jobs!

    I hope this is just the beginning of an ocean of prosperity. :) I am sorry for the worry you are carrying. It just wears you down. Solvency is most definitely NOT over rated, it is what allows you to sleep at night. I am still out of work and about to lose my house. I am trying to let go and remember it is just a thing, but it is my thing and I love it so much my heart is broken. MS has stolen too much from too many of us.